The Weighted Companion Cube knows a thing or two about finding that one true special companion to walk you through your life. Sure, there’s ups and downs in any relationship, but in the end only your companion’s tight embrace can set you on fire. This is the inaugural edition of the Weighted Companion Cube’s love advice column, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Dear Weighted Companion Cube,

That certain pick me up has disappeared from my relationship. She just seems to float around leaving me behind to do the heavy lifting. Personally, I’m tired of smashing through life’s obstacles while she flirts with every reptile of a guy in front of me. My brother says I should forget her, but what does he know?

Confused,
Mario

Dear Mario,

You may feel abandoned, but know that the special someone in your life will be back. Sometimes our companions need to leave us behind while they go work things out, but they’ll always return. Keep your nose high and proud, and remember that half of life is attitude.

WCC

Dear Weighted Companion Cube,

I’ve got a problem I simply cannot hide any longer. You see, I feel like I’m hiding my true self from the world. I don’t mean physically. Lots of people know me, and there’s at least a couple of intergalactic species that fear me. No, I mean I feel like I’m hiding the real me. At work I only have one real friend, and she tends to phase out on me. I feel like I need to show people the real me, but I can’t help but hide behind life’s masks. Help!

Hidden,
MC

Dear MC,

Sooner or later you have to show the world the real you. Masks are much like biohazard suits in that they protect us from the outside world, but never let us real any real connection with others. Finding companionship often requires us to first form a covenant with ourselves. Promise yourself that you won’t give up on expressing the true you, and then finish the fight by taking that mask off for that special friend at work. Be glad there is someone there to reach out to.

WCC

Dear Weighted Companion Cube,

Let me start by stating explicitly that I am not gay. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m not. I have a son and despite his grievances with me he is 100% the fruit of my loins. That all being said, there’s this other man in my life who is always trying to break my heart. I thought that with time things might improve, but it seems no amount of time will heed his ruthless pursuit of shattering my heart in two. Also, he has a really bad garlic smell about him. I don’t usually notice such things about men (not gay), but it’s really overpowering.

Dead tired,
Vlad

Dear Vlad:

I know a thing or two about loved ones breaking your heart. Trust me when I say I’ve felt like just another disposable piece of garbage in relationships before. The thing is, you have to decide if this relationship is worth pursuing. If not, and he persists, it might be time to involve the authorities. A friend of mine is always getting bailed out of such situations by a government official he’s close with. He dresses in black and is very discreet. Perhaps I could put you in touch with him?

WCC

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