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Feb
28th

Dear Diary: Master Chief’s titanium-alloy deepest thoughts

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Oh the weather outside is frightful…haha, just kidding you! I am definitely not going there, or out there! Burr is it cold, like an Eskimo Pie. Which, by the way, my kids will only know of from reading history books now, thanks to the Covenant. Look, I enjoy a good intergalactic war as much as the next guy, but wars are fought on other planets and not ours. We fight them there so we won’t have to fight them here.

Still, I suppose things could be worse on a war devastated earth. Yesterday Huge found a ping pong table somehow and we organized a tournament. Go figure. Then, of course, we were attacked by the Flood and they devoured half of the guys alive from the inside out. But that ping pong table sure was fun while it lasted!

I received an e-mail from cousin stationed on Mars today, as well. Apparently all hell has broken out up there. It sounds like I may have gotten the slightly better job assignment. I keep waiting to hear back from Cortana, but she’s disappeared away into some online game world that is essentially abandoned since the mass extermination of humanity began. I suppose it’s very much a vacation for her in there with no virtual humans around to bother her. (more…)

Feb
19th

Dear Diary: Super Mario’s Super Diary

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It’s-a me, Mario! Today has been particularly rough. First, that shirttail riding brother of mine got himself lost in another haunted house. It wasn’t so bad, as it only took me a few hours to get him out. Still, after all these years, don’t people expect more from the Mario Brothers? It got worse, though.

Then I had a pickup game of soccer over near Toad’s place. The only problem was that Bowser, as usual. He and Wario were playing on a team together and I’m pretty sure they were Barry Bondsing it up, if you know what I mean. At one point I’m fairly sure I saw the ball burst into flames. What’s with that? That isn’t normal, let me assure you.

I thought a relaxing round of golf might make me feel better, so I called up Yoshi. For some reason the goon was standing on top of my house, so after coaxing him down we went off to the Mushroom Kingdom Public Links course. Upon arriving we round a particularly annoying foursome of redneck gorillas ahead of us who simply refused to let us play through. To add insult to injury, Yoshi kept licking my club. What is it with that guy? (more…)